WHISPER: Syd... I'm torn over my long-distance relationship! Am I imagining things? What's real and what's fake?

Q: I am in a long distance monogamous relationship. I love him with all of my heart, but I sometimes fear that the relationship itself isn’t good for my mental health or personal development. I am constantly anxiety ridden and in constant need of reassurance and attention. We both have super busy schedules so it is hard for us to spend meaningful time together. I feel like I give all of myself without limit. I tell him everything and let him into the most intimate parts of my life and feelings. I often don’t feel like this is reciprocated. There’s a slew of other things that I overthink about not being reciprocal in our relationship. However, I just don’t know what to do. How do I recognize what is me overthinking as opposed to an actual problem? Should I leave him irregardless of problems because I’m not mentally prepared to deal with a serious relationship?

A: Dear beautiful friend, it seems like your mind is running at a million miles per hour lately. We have been or will all be in this position at one point or another in a romantic relationship. Right now, it's essential to discern as to if this relationship itself is what's causing you to feel so scattered, or if it's truly your overactive mind / your own doing. Sometimes, as humans, we do imagine problems and experience illusions in relationships. On the other hand though, at times there are actually genuine issues at hand that need to be worked through and acknowledged. I'm willing to bet that in most cases, it's actually a mixture of illusions and true problems that we are dealing with. How can we tell the difference for sure, though?

Often, in relationships, if we truly care about someone and value them, to leave them is our absolute last resort. Even then, sometimes it's not even an option for us. We would rather conjure up every explanation and excuse imaginable to be able to keep this person / relationship in our lives. In the short-term, this is the easiest thing to do, but in the long haul, it makes our lives so much more difficult. In any relationship, eventually, there is this little whisper in our heads, as quiet as a baby mouse, that tells us we may need to walk away. In one relationship, this voice may be speaking out of fear; yet in another, this voice is speaking from intuition and knowing. This is exactly why I preach learning to differentiate between your intuition and anxiety; it will help guide you in making some of the most significant decisions of your life. I will make a blog post or Twitter thread about discerning between the two in the near future.

The number one piece of advice I can give you is to: 1) Look at the FACTS in the present moment, THEN 2) Look at the bigger picture. To look at the facts in this situation is to healthily remove your feelings from it, looking at it from the point of view of a stranger or friend... Anyone who isn't you or him. Our feelings should be a factor in making decisions such as these, however, facts are much more valuable when it comes down to it. Our feelings can steer us in the wrong direction... But cold, hard facts and our intuition will not lead us astray. Furthermore, when I tell you to look at the facts in the PRESENT moment... I mean that when you gather your facts, feelings removed, and you look at the true nature of your relationship... Are you really in a healthy, loving, happy relationship?

Once you thoroughly examine the present, it's time to look at the bigger picture. Processing all of the facts and feelings involved in this relationship... Would you be content and/or happy with this relationship if it were to stay this way in the long-term? Would you be satisfied with the person he is if he didn't change? Obviously, we all have flaws. We are meant to grow and learn from relationships. No one will check off every single box. There will be times that a healthy relationship struggles. However, for the most part, we shouldn't be sticking to a relationship because we believe it could be better in the future or that they could be the person that we wanted them to be one day. You need to consider if these feelings, behaviors, and issues are temporary struggles or if they are patterns. Temporary struggles do not repeat themselves over and over again; those are usually worth working through. However, temporary struggles can evolve into patterns if they aren't intervened on early enough. Patterns are extremely difficult to break; two people can break a pattern together, but you cannot break a pattern for someone else.

Wrapping this up, I must say that it's highly unlikely that you are just feeling as if your efforts and emotions aren't being reciprocated for no apparent reason. I don't know the entire story, merely a few words, but from what I can gather it doesn't look like you are just imagining that there is something not quite right in this relationship. Of course, when we have anxiety, we need some level of reassurance and attention. Everyone is different. However, can you honestly tell yourself truthfully, that you would still need this intense level of reassurance and attention if most of your needs were being met / your efforts were being reciprocated? Are you really the type of person that feels like even if someone is checking off most of the boxes, it's never enough and you want them to be perfect? I don't know you, but I have a hunch that you are not that type of person, and that there is a very valid reason to feel the way you do.

I can't tell you whether or not to end your relationship, as this is a conclusion you must come to on your own. Though, I can ask you this: Are you really not mentally prepared to be in a relationship or is this relationship messing with your head so much that you don't even know what the truth is anymore? Do you truly think that you are the main problem here or are you just afraid of making the wrong decision? You may be annoyed that I'm responding to your question with more questions, but this is what will lead to the true answer. It sounds like you are a lovely soul who has so much to offer a person; it's time to figure out if this relationship is worthy of what you have to offer.




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Disclaimer: I am not a mental health or medical professional. I am not responsible and will not be held liable for any actions taken following my response to your question. I am only one person, and this is just one perspective.